I will not eat you. You are gross.

I am a big fan of simple and quick meals. None of that Rachel Ray 30 minute meal stuff (I am not a fan), but good delicious things that I can have on the table in a jiff. Let's face it, after a long day of Bravo TV, I am not always in the mood for something labor intensive.

Monday night I made a stir fry for dinner. I love me some stir fry, and usually I do a good job. My typical recipe involves soy sauce, rice vinegar, ginger, garlic, a little honey and some kind of spicy something tossed with some chicken (I am rarely fancy enough for beef or pork in a stir fry) and veggies. This time around I had bought a store bought package of stir fry veggies from Trader Joe's. It looked good with cabbage, carrots, and some peas. I added onion, broccoli and red bell pepper. I was excited. I was hungry. I was dumb and didn't read the veggie packet. Had I , I would have realized that hiding behind the label was a mound of celery. Blah! Gasp! Not celery! I hate that stuff. I didn't discover it until it was too late, it was already stirred. So instead of enjoying my meal I spent the whole time picking out celery and cringing when any accidentally made it's way in my mouth. Bummer!

Now I will admit that I don't always hate celery. Smother it in peanut butter or cream cheese and I will eat as much as I can get my hands on. I enjoy the texture variety of ants on a log. But if you even think about giving me cooked celery I will eat your children. Cooked celery always brings up memories of Campbell's condensed chicken noodle soup. I am not a fan. Partially because with that memory also comes the memory of pouring my squeeze it (remember those amazing beverages? kids of today are being robbed!) into my soup to see what that would taste like. Celery also reminds me of diets, which I abhor.

Along with celery there are other things that I refuse to eat. Mushrooms. I can't do it. I can't in good consciousness eat fungus, especially when it smells like a moldy towel (I can't in good taste tell you what I really think it smells like) and can't be properly washed because it will absorb the water. Cauliflower. Get it out of here. How dare anyone make cauliflower mash when there are perfectly good potatoes in this world. Cauliflower just tastes bad and you can't convince me otherwise. Beets. Sick. They taste like dirt. If I wanted to eat dirt I certainly wouldn't pay for it. I've tried them candied, in salads, in many ways (generally to be polite) and each time I want to upchuck. I'm pretty easy going about food and am willing to try many things, but I cannot and will not eat another beet, even if it means death.